stay alone

I often got silent in front of my laptop and thought of some random topics.There are a lot of things I want to write. But yeah, I rarely can pour them into words in my blog...

Well....
What I am thinking about now.... Lonely vs alone

I suddenly remembered a literary work that was discussed in a class last 2 semester. It was the first work that we discussed.

Reward of Living a Solitude Life

by May Sarton

Obviously, the only thing that"ngendep" in my mind is about the different of lonely and alone.

Have you ever felt like "empty" when you are in a crowded?

Or,  physically only by yourself? (well, sorry of my keribetan. I just got it difficult to be expressed  :D)

Make it simple, okay.

You are lonely. Situation : in a crowded.

You are alone. Situation  : yeah, alone. No one is near by.

My conclusion, tho.

Well, I googled the definition of lonely and alone. They seem the same but they don't.

What I am feeling now is lonely.
Just like no one knows me well. Understands me.
Sometimes I just want people to know what I know without me telling them.
it's not fair that I am being disappointed that they didn't do what I want them to do.

so, How?
so I am lonely. I am just all alone by myself. no one wants me. i feel like "dikucilkan".
yeah not only alone, but lonely.
I am sitting in my bedroom in front of my computer just trying to do things that would make me happy.  nothing but share this kind of feeling. I don't believe people. but by writing this, it just feels like I shared. maybe no one will read this. but I read this. I read my blog over and over.
no one hears me. no one listens. they are only busy with their own business. who am I?
who am I to be such selfish to have people by my side.

what do I do when I am all alone and lonely?
Crying. cry. yeah. shed my tears.
i don't know why, I just feel beautiful when I am crying. ahahaha what a thought.

I want to have someone who knows what I want.
that person doesn't need to ask me.
but, how come that kind of person exists?
no one can read someone's mind, right?
what kind of wish that I have? lol

i found a thought.
happiness will be meaningful if it's shared. sadness will be decreased when it's shared.
what the hell with that!
people will stay by your side when you are happy, but no meaning still.
when there is sadness? well........ what's on earth it''ll be decreased.
no such things.
no such things.

well. enjoy your loneliness.
and stay alone :D

A thought,

Tiara

18-04-2016, 0.45 pm

mood.

sekarang.. aku ingin begini
5 mneit kemudian, aku ingin begitu.
5 menit yang lalu, aku ingin begono
besok, aku gak ingin gimana-gimana


Karepe opo toh, mbakyuuu??
today's decision is different either with yesterday's or even tomorrow's.
I don't even understand what I actually want for myself.

she asked me. he asked me. they asked me. you asked me.
I asked myself. I don't know.
I don't have the answer.
I can't find the answer, though.

it's hard to find the right time for me.
there will always be the wrong things for me.
I always feel that I am the right one.

kudu piye...?

a thought.

Be Like

whenever there is something related to family, my reactions are mostly tears.
I realized that there is no perfect family.
I know that my family is not perfect.
There were a lot of pains from the past.
I couldn't change it. I couldn't forget it. I couldn't pretend that I don't know.
Pain(s). Yes.

From my side, the happy side from the past is covered by the sadness. By my fears also.
From what people say, I got a trauma by the past.

Sometimes, I want to be like the other families.
They watch movies in cinema. They have a meal at restaurant. They travel to a beautiful places and collect a lot of photos. Weekend is the time for hanging out.

Sometimes. I mean, a lot of times.

I want to be like the other daughters.
Be close with their fathers. Be loved by older brother.

I sometimes wish that I were not my self right now.

I know that a lot of people also sometimes have the same wish as mine.
in the end, I know that is impossible.

I need to face the life. No matter how hard it is.
Bible says,

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philipians 4:13, KJV)

I know. I know that God will not let me in such a situation unless He knows that I can face through it. It makes me wait. I am waiting of the end of the situation.Maybe, I am still strong enough to face it.

So, what?
I don't want to be such a hypocrite by saying that I am okay.
But I did. I said I am okay.

Well..
I pray that my family becomes family like when I was child. But it is nonsense.
I might be don't know what was happening at that time while I could smile happily.

Now that I grow, I know everything has its own problem.
Dreaming is not enough. What should I do then?
I don't know..

I have made a stereotype of happy family.
Well, still I want to be like them. The one which I categorized as happy family.

A THOUGHT.

Tiara

me vs personality

"Karena wanita ingin dimengerti, lewat tutur lembut dan lagu-lagu. Manjakan dian, dengan kasih sayang...."

Women.... Seem so egoistic. The fact is... Yeah, it is true.
Women needs to be spoiled, to be loved wholeheartedly.
They are sensitive.
Every simple thing will make them cry. Happiness, sadness... All that stuff..
Egoistic. That's true.
Even women themself are not able to understand why, what is happening in their thoughts, or hearts, or souls.
Short after crying, they wil be confused.
What the hell is happening??
Women want to be number one.
They want to be prioritized, ome after another.
Problems are what they make.
A small thing becomes bigger in a minute.
Could you understand women's feeling??
Nope, it is hard.
They ask you to understand meanwhile it is also hard for them to understand themself.
What is going on?? Let's see...




Am I fair by using 'they'?
Maybe, it should be 'I'.... 😌😌😌