When is the Right Time?

Today isn't the day, tomorrow either. Then, when?
Yesterday wasn't the right time, last Tuesday either. Then, when?

Do I need to wait for the right time?
Will there be someone who let me know?
Will you? Will she? Will he? Will they?

Tick, tock... the clock is ticking.
Should I let myself go? Shall today be the last day?
Time never stops. Even a second could change everything.
What about the second I write these words of uncertainty?

How can I be sure and not let go?
What should I do to let my soul be at ease?
Who can make me relax?
When is the time of those uncertainties?
Where is the place to be calm?

WHY DO I EVEN ASK? There is no answer.

me when gabut: a lot of uncertainties and questions.

January 22nd, 2020

How Should I Cry?

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Blank, cause I deleted what I've written previously. I am relieved by writing what I felt so I didn't have any reason to share those feelings (and how should I cry). But I like the title so I posted it. :)

Nobody said it was #easy

There are times I need nobody. There are times I need to be alone, yes, all by myself. Why? I am tired of all the fakeness, even of me being so #fake. Why can't I be myself, expressing the real me? y tho? y? y? y? ? I have to smile when I'm in the mood of shedding my tears. I have to look happy when I feel down.

#nobodysaiditwaseasy.

It's truely not easy to be part of this society. I have to mind other people's feelings when I'm actually in my weakest time. How will I survive?

This tires me.

The solution is : living a solitude life.

Prepare boxes of instant noodle, boxes of teabags and instant coffee. Prepare some books to keep you entertained. Have a strong connetion of Wi-Fi will help, as well. When bored of instant noodle, order GoFood.

Seems easy. Don't need to interact with others. While sometimes peeping at their Instagram stories to know what they are up to currently.

Not sure, tho.. That seems to help. But, no. I am still part of this cruel society. Keep being alive, dude! 加油，你一定可以的。。

Let's face the reality!

Will they?

now ... currently...
I am confused of what I am doing in my life.

I am living well but my inside thoughts are not.
All that wild thoughts came to my mind over and over.

They would leave me, I think.
They would hate me, I think.
They would blame me, I think
They don't need me, I think.
They don't love me, I think.
They..................

Would they?
Will they?

I am living in fear.
Fear of being left, fear of being hated.
I am living in tears.
I am living in darkness.
I am living with negative thoughts inside me.

Sorry, I couldn't think of anything positive.
Sorry, I couldn't let go of those wild thoughts.
Sorry.

I don't want to be like this any far.
I want to move forward.

Help me.


Sincerely,
the past

decision

It's hard to decide. It's hard to start. It's hard to begin, again.
I know I can. I know I should. I know I must do.

decision is hard.
I need to see from every points of view.
Nothing is as simple as I imagined before

Well, life's never flat.
I might not decide now, today.
I probably will in the next 3 hours.
or, probably soon after I write this.

to begin something from the start is really hard.
is there anyone need me to continue the starting point?
I don't like to  begin again.
I hate waiting for my own decision.

I know I can. I know I have to. I know I need to.

Moving on

Last month, you came to my mind

I remembered your sweet smile

Last two weeks, your name popped in my timeline

I remembered the laughter we shared

Last week, your number’s saved in my phone, again

I remembered my tears that you wiped

Yesterday, you texted me

Tomorrow, I will miss you

Next week, I am probably loving you, AGAIN

How can I be moving on….?

stay alone

I often got silent in front of my laptop and thought of some random topics.There are a lot of things I want to write. But yeah, I rarely can pour them into words in my blog...

Well....
What I am thinking about now.... Lonely vs alone

I suddenly remembered a literary work that was discussed in a class last 2 semester. It was the first work that we discussed.

Reward of Living a Solitude Life

by May Sarton

Obviously, the only thing that"ngendep" in my mind is about the different of lonely and alone.

Have you ever felt like "empty" when you are in a crowded?

Or,  physically only by yourself? (well, sorry of my keribetan. I just got it difficult to be expressed  :D)

Make it simple, okay.

You are lonely. Situation : in a crowded.

You are alone. Situation  : yeah, alone. No one is near by.

My conclusion, tho.

Well, I googled the definition of lonely and alone. They seem the same but they don't.

What I am feeling now is lonely.
Just like no one knows me well. Understands me.
Sometimes I just want people to know what I know without me telling them.
it's not fair that I am being disappointed that they didn't do what I want them to do.

so, How?
so I am lonely. I am just all alone by myself. no one wants me. i feel like "dikucilkan".
yeah not only alone, but lonely.
I am sitting in my bedroom in front of my computer just trying to do things that would make me happy.  nothing but share this kind of feeling. I don't believe people. but by writing this, it just feels like I shared. maybe no one will read this. but I read this. I read my blog over and over.
no one hears me. no one listens. they are only busy with their own business. who am I?
who am I to be such selfish to have people by my side.

what do I do when I am all alone and lonely?
Crying. cry. yeah. shed my tears.
i don't know why, I just feel beautiful when I am crying. ahahaha what a thought.

I want to have someone who knows what I want.
that person doesn't need to ask me.
but, how come that kind of person exists?
no one can read someone's mind, right?
what kind of wish that I have? lol

i found a thought.
happiness will be meaningful if it's shared. sadness will be decreased when it's shared.
what the hell with that!
people will stay by your side when you are happy, but no meaning still.
when there is sadness? well........ what's on earth it''ll be decreased.
no such things.
no such things.

well. enjoy your loneliness.
and stay alone :D

A thought,

Tiara

18-04-2016, 0.45 pm

mood.

sekarang.. aku ingin begini
5 mneit kemudian, aku ingin begitu.
5 menit yang lalu, aku ingin begono
besok, aku gak ingin gimana-gimana


Karepe opo toh, mbakyuuu??
today's decision is different either with yesterday's or even tomorrow's.
I don't even understand what I actually want for myself.

she asked me. he asked me. they asked me. you asked me.
I asked myself. I don't know.
I don't have the answer.
I can't find the answer, though.

it's hard to find the right time for me.
there will always be the wrong things for me.
I always feel that I am the right one.

kudu piye...?

a thought.

Be Like

whenever there is something related to family, my reactions are mostly tears.
I realized that there is no perfect family.
I know that my family is not perfect.
There were a lot of pains from the past.
I couldn't change it. I couldn't forget it. I couldn't pretend that I don't know.
Pain(s). Yes.

From my side, the happy side from the past is covered by the sadness. By my fears also.
From what people say, I got a trauma by the past.

Sometimes, I want to be like the other families.
They watch movies in cinema. They have a meal at restaurant. They travel to a beautiful places and collect a lot of photos. Weekend is the time for hanging out.

Sometimes. I mean, a lot of times.

I want to be like the other daughters.
Be close with their fathers. Be loved by older brother.

I sometimes wish that I were not my self right now.

I know that a lot of people also sometimes have the same wish as mine.
in the end, I know that is impossible.

I need to face the life. No matter how hard it is.
Bible says,

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philipians 4:13, KJV)

I know. I know that God will not let me in such a situation unless He knows that I can face through it. It makes me wait. I am waiting of the end of the situation.Maybe, I am still strong enough to face it.

So, what?
I don't want to be such a hypocrite by saying that I am okay.
But I did. I said I am okay.

Well..
I pray that my family becomes family like when I was child. But it is nonsense.
I might be don't know what was happening at that time while I could smile happily.

Now that I grow, I know everything has its own problem.
Dreaming is not enough. What should I do then?
I don't know..

I have made a stereotype of happy family.
Well, still I want to be like them. The one which I categorized as happy family.

A THOUGHT.

Tiara

me vs personality

"Karena wanita ingin dimengerti, lewat tutur lembut dan lagu-lagu. Manjakan dian, dengan kasih sayang...."

Women.... Seem so egoistic. The fact is... Yeah, it is true.
Women needs to be spoiled, to be loved wholeheartedly.
They are sensitive.
Every simple thing will make them cry. Happiness, sadness... All that stuff..
Egoistic. That's true.
Even women themself are not able to understand why, what is happening in their thoughts, or hearts, or souls.
Short after crying, they wil be confused.
What the hell is happening??
Women want to be number one.
They want to be prioritized, ome after another.
Problems are what they make.
A small thing becomes bigger in a minute.
Could you understand women's feeling??
Nope, it is hard.
They ask you to understand meanwhile it is also hard for them to understand themself.
What is going on?? Let's see...




Am I fair by using 'they'?
Maybe, it should be 'I'.... 😌😌😌