Entah || The Diary of a Stranger (14)

Sudah dua tahun berlalu, hampir aku melupakaan perasaan asing ini
Sudah puluhan bulan berlalu, tak ingat lagi rasanya menjadi seseorang yang asing
Sudah tak terhitung wajah tersenyum yang kutemui, namun masih merasa ada yang hilang

Hari ini, semuanya kembali
Kembali datang lagi, perasaan asing dan menjadi orang asing bagimu
Bersyukur pernah lepas dari semua itu, selama dua tahun

Namun hari ini aku kembali merasakan semuanya
Persis ketika kali pertama aku menulis rangkaian cerita asing ini

Dan aku berbahagia bisa kembali menemui rasa itu
Dan bisa menemui kamu, dengan senyummu yang semakin terasa asing
Walau masih manis senyum itu, namun tidak kurasakan tenang dalam tatapan matamu

Kenapa?
Pertanyaan, lagi
Aku tidak suka pertanyaan, karena tidak pernah mendapat jawaban yang kuinginkan

Kenapa?
Aku tidak tahu, aku tidak bisa menjawabnya

Yang aku tahu, kamu semakin asing
Dan aku merasa lebih baik begini
Dari sudut ruangan melihatmu sebagai orang asing

Kenapa?
Entah.

When is the Right Time?

Today isn't the day, tomorrow either. Then, when?
Yesterday wasn't the right time, last Tuesday either. Then, when?

Do I need to wait for the right time?
Will there be someone who let me know?
Will you? Will she? Will he? Will they?

Tick, tock... the clock is ticking.
Should I let myself go? Shall today be the last day?
Time never stops. Even a second could change everything.
What about the second I write these words of uncertainty?

How can I be sure and not let go?
What should I do to let my soul be at ease?
Who can make me relax?
When is the time of those uncertainties?
Where is the place to be calm?

WHY DO I EVEN ASK? There is no answer.

me when gabut: a lot of uncertainties and questions.

January 22nd, 2020

How Should I Cry?

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Blank, cause I deleted what I've written previously. I am relieved by writing what I felt so I didn't have any reason to share those feelings (and how should I cry). But I like the title so I posted it. :)

Nobody said it was #easy

There are times I need nobody. There are times I need to be alone, yes, all by myself. Why? I am tired of all the fakeness, even of me being so #fake. Why can't I be myself, expressing the real me? y tho? y? y? y? ? I have to smile when I'm in the mood of shedding my tears. I have to look happy when I feel down.

#nobodysaiditwaseasy.

It's truely not easy to be part of this society. I have to mind other people's feelings when I'm actually in my weakest time. How will I survive?

This tires me.

The solution is : living a solitude life.

Prepare boxes of instant noodle, boxes of teabags and instant coffee. Prepare some books to keep you entertained. Have a strong connetion of Wi-Fi will help, as well. When bored of instant noodle, order GoFood.

Seems easy. Don't need to interact with others. While sometimes peeping at their Instagram stories to know what they are up to currently.

Not sure, tho.. That seems to help. But, no. I am still part of this cruel society. Keep being alive, dude! 加油，你一定可以的。。

Let's face the reality!

Manis yang Asing || The Diary of a Stranger (13)

Termenung lagi aku, dengan suhu ruangan yang membekukan gerak jari
Dengan secangkir kopi yang tiada mengenal kata manis
Layaknya aku melihat senyum manismu
Namun tiada sebanding dengan kopi yang ku minum hingga tetes terakhir

Tidak, aku sedang tidak berusaha berkata manis
Ku ingin memperhalus keadaan ini, keadaan yang asing ini
Biarkan aku menikmati kemanisan ini sejenak saja

Tahukah kamu, menjadi asing itu melelahkan?

Kopi yang pahit membuatku terjaga lebih lama
Itu pun berarti memandangimu lebih lama
Itu pun menyebabkan aku lelah

Biar manis sejenak.
Biar asing terlupakan, sejenak.

Akan datang masa, akan datang hari
Aku tak asing lagi, kita tak asing lagi

Akan datang waktu,
Kisah kita manis, dengan takaran manis yang menghapus keasingan ini.

Akan datang saatnya.

Let’s Fight The Distance

To be in a long distance relationship (LDR) is a common thing for youngster nowadays. Well, this kind of relationship is actually not only happened to couples but also for family members. In the past, we got used to be in the same area even in the house but now we have to adapt with the situation. After all, one big question for those who are in LDR is how to have a good LDR?

Here are some tips that hopefully may encourage your relationship.

1. Communicate regularly

In the era of technology, communication is easy for everyone. Make use of it. You can us

either messenger or video call application. Greet each other regularly to make your

beloved ones know that she/he is special. Although you are really busy, have some

minutes to tell him/her that you are doing well.

2. Avoid excessive communication

Though communication is important, don’t be over. You don’t really have to

communicate 12 hours a day. You also don’t need to have a looooong conversation to

compensate the time you are apart. One day, you would get tired of talking to each other

because there is nothing special on it.

3. Trust each other

Trust is a must in a relationship. How will your relationship be happy when you both

don’t trust each other? Although you can’t fully monitor his/her activities, you need to put

trust on him/her. One way to build trust is being open each other. Tell him/her the

important things that you think she/he should know.

4. Make visits

For those that are only separated by some miles, try to make visit each other. Plan your

visit so that you two will have a quality time. However, a surprise visit is recommended

because it will be memorable.

5. Give surprise

As said above, a surprise is recommended. You don’t really need much money to give

surprise. The important thing is the moment. Writing a song or poem about your

relationship is sweet. However, don’t do the same thing in sequence. Make some

improvement in every surprise.

6. Do things together

You don’t have to be physically close to do things together. Watching the same movie in

the same time may be a good choice. Doing some activities together will make you feel

close.

7. Set goal

Make a plan with each other. You have to know the estimated times you guys will be

apart and the goal of your relationship. It is a must for you to be on the same page and

have same goals with him/her. Even you are not living in the same time zone, both of you

have already known what to do with the future of your relationship.

Try these tips and have a lovely LDR!

Comfort Zone || The Diary of a Stranger (12)

Terdiam lagi aku, yang kembali ditemani rintik hujan di luar sana
Dengan kopi yang tak lagi sama, semakin pahit.
Layaknya aku yang mengenang waktu yang kembali terlewatkan.
Empat bulan ku lalui dengan kamu yang masih selalu ku pandangi,
Dengan pandangan memuja, namun...... asing

Asing, kau yang tak pernah membalas tatapanku
Asing, kau yang tetap bahagia dengan duniamu
yang mungkin tak akan pernah libatku aku sebagai salah satu pemerannya.

Terhenyak lagi aku, teringat waktu yang ku lalui.
Bukan sebagai orang yang berarti di hidupmu.
Ini menyenangkan, melihat senyummu dari kejauhan.
Ini menenangkan, mendengar samar suara tawamu.

Samar, jauh, dan... asing.
Bolehkah aku hadir di hidupmu, lagi?

Pertanyaan untuk diriku sendiri : siapkah aku?
Tidakkah aku akan menghindar darimu, seperti kala itu?

Akupun ragu, dan tak punya jawaban yang pasti.

Well, I choose to stay here. in my comfort zone. of being a stranger.

Us, Please?

Aku, not a somebody nor someone.
Aku, a small nobody with a grateful heart
Aku, an ordinary creature yet getting an amazing blessing
Aku, not a celebrity nor a princess

Kamu, somebody and someone at the same time
Kamu, a kindhearted someone
Kamu, a blessing for an ordinary creature
Kamu, well-known and famous
Kamu, a treasure for a poor ones

Aku, not a somebody nor someone
Kamu, somebody and someone
May I wish "kamu" and "aku" become kita?
Can they be us, please?

生日快乐！Happy birthday!

今天，二零一七年七月二十五号，是我第二十二的生日

今天也是我第一次我一个人过的生日.

以前，每年虽然没有什么生日庆祝活动，我妈会买一个小蛋糕然后我们一起唱生日歌和许愿 。

这个四年多了，我男朋友给我一个可爱蛋糕，一些小礼物和一个每得一天。

今年，今天，什么都没有。

家人，亲爱的男朋友都很远。

一边想哭，一边我觉得我很棒。

因为我不是小孩了，二十二岁了。那个蛋糕，礼物，不是很重要的事了。

从今年以后我是一个大人了，不可以因为每有礼物然后哭。

我要认真作我的论文，认真工作说一不会被人瞧不起。

哎呀，不管怎么说我还是想哭啊。哈哈。真好笑。

TIARA，生日快乐！不要爱哭了！你很勇敢！要开心，要加油！

my 18th birthday cake!

Today, July 25 2017 is my twenty-second birthday. Today is also my first time celebrating birthday all by myself (only). In the past, although no birthday party, my mom would buy me a small birthday cake then made a wish. For the past 4 years, my boyfriend would also give me a cute birthday cake, small present and a beautiful day together.

This year, today, none of those things are there. No cake, no presents, no family and my dear boyfriend are that faaaaraway. In one side I want to cry, yet in the other hand I think I am really great because I am not a child anymore, -22years already!- Cake and all that stuff are not important, really.

Start from this year, I will be more maturer who is not supposed to cry over a cake and presents. I need to seriously finish my final paper, do my work seriously so that people won’t look down uponn me.......

Oh, after all the encouragement, I still wanna shed my tears. Lol.

TIARA, happy birthday! Don’t be a crybaby because you are braver than yesterday. You have to be happy. Keep spirited!

Enjoy || The Diary of a Stranger (11)

Months went by and here I am sitting in the middle of the corner
In the exact same spot as the first day I saw your smiling eyes.

Months went by and here I am drinking the same cup of coffee
The same drink as the first glance I had that day

Months went by and I couldn't forget the moment you called my name
Months went by to make me realize that's really ONLY an impossible dream

Here I am, staring at your smile
enjoying the feeling of being a super stranger.

Fate decides the time we are not (strangers).

Will they?

now ... currently...
I am confused of what I am doing in my life.

I am living well but my inside thoughts are not.
All that wild thoughts came to my mind over and over.

They would leave me, I think.
They would hate me, I think.
They would blame me, I think
They don't need me, I think.
They don't love me, I think.
They..................

Would they?
Will they?

I am living in fear.
Fear of being left, fear of being hated.
I am living in tears.
I am living in darkness.
I am living with negative thoughts inside me.

Sorry, I couldn't think of anything positive.
Sorry, I couldn't let go of those wild thoughts.
Sorry.

I don't want to be like this any far.
I want to move forward.

Help me.


Sincerely,
the past

对不起 || Sorry.... || The Diary of a Stranger (10)

我的天啊！My goodness!
我听错了吗？你真的叫我吗？Did I hear it wrong? Did you really call my name?
你是真真的叫我名字吗？Did you really call my name ?
你是真真的对我笑吗？Did you really smile at me？
不可能吧....  It can't be true

我太开心了  I am too happy
开心到不能看你眼睛 Till the point I cannot look into your eyes
不行不行 It's not okay
太不可能了 It's too imposible
一定是梦，对，一定是梦 It must be a dream only, yes, it must be a dream

可是你还在我面前 But you are still in front of me
你眼睛笑 With your eyes smiling
不行  It can't be.

对不起哦 Sorry
我不会相信  I couldn't believe
对不起我跑了  Sorry, I ran
我的心还没准备好 I am not well prepared to see you
因为我习惯了只当陌生人 Because I am used to be only a stranger
对不起...

再见 || Good Bye || The Diary of a Stranger (9)

我还在， 我还是陌生人  I am here, still a stranger

你也还在，你也还是陌生人  You are also here, still a stranger, as well

每个人还在， 每个人还不在乎 Everyone's here, and still not care

我想放弃了 I want to give up

我觉得够了 I think it's enough

我不能继续这样  I cannot continue to be like this anymore

太累了， 我真的很累  too tired, I am really tired

一直看你笑得那么开心  Keep on seeing you laugh that happy

而不是我让你开心的 Sadly, it's not me making you happy

我心疼了 My heart is hurt

我不要了，我不要 I don't want, no more

因为我们永远都是陌生人 Because we will remain as stranger, forever

从今天开始，我要忘掉你了 Start from today, I want to forget you

再见。。。Good bye

再见，陌生人。。。。。Good bye, stranger

reflection

when your partner starts to ignore you
when your partner chooses to tell his/her problem to someone else rather than to you
when your partner doesn't pay attention to what you said
when your partner doesn't put you at his/her priorities anymore
when your partner doesn't tell you about his/her day anymore
when your partner starts to.....
when your partner.....
when....
when.... 


think of those situations. You will say that your partner has something wrong. But, are you really sure? You might be say that your partner has an affair or he/she doesn't love you anymore. Once again, are you sure? Can't you think of the other possibilities?

It might be YOU. yes, YOU are the problem. The problem is in yourself.
You have something wrong that made your partner does those kind of action.
It might be you, who made him/her can't feel comfortable anymore.
Maybe you don't realize that you changed.
Maybe she/he hides something that she/he won't you to know.
Maybe she/he has painful memory of past that made him/her suddenly sad.
Maybe she/he has his/her own interpersonal conflict.
Maybe she/he couldn't do everything like you expected from him/her.
Maybe she/he doesn't like some of your actions, pretends to like it, but now can stand it anymore.

There are a lot of possibilities. Think about that. Have some kind of reflection.

Yes, before judge someone is doing bad, observe yourself first.

decision

It's hard to decide. It's hard to start. It's hard to begin, again.
I know I can. I know I should. I know I must do.

decision is hard.
I need to see from every points of view.
Nothing is as simple as I imagined before

Well, life's never flat.
I might not decide now, today.
I probably will in the next 3 hours.
or, probably soon after I write this.

to begin something from the start is really hard.
is there anyone need me to continue the starting point?
I don't like to  begin again.
I hate waiting for my own decision.

I know I can. I know I have to. I know I need to.

Haruskah? || The Diary of a Stranger (8)

Bukannya ku tak ingin
Bukannya ku tak berusaha
Namun, kamu begitu bahagia
Matamu masih memancarkan kebahagiaan
Jika saat ini aku masuk ke kehidupanmu,
Akanku kamu tetap bahagia?
Akankah matamu tetap bercahaya?

Aku hanyalah seorang yang.....asing
Mungkinkah kamu bersedia membuka pintu kehidupanmu?
Orang di sekitarmu cukup bagimu

Aku hanyalah seorang yang.....asing
Tak punya hak jadi seseorang untukmu
Bukanlah siapa-siapa
Mengenalku pun tiadalah sebuah keuntungan

Maaf..aku masih ingin melihatmu tersenyum
walau hanya sebagai....
bukan siapa-siapa.
stranger

太好笑 (What a Joke) || The Diary of a Stranger (7)

过了一个礼拜 It's been a week

状况没有改变 The situation doesn't change at all

改变的是。。。The different thing is.....

我越来越需要你 I need you more and more

需要你的笑 Need your smile and laugh

需要你暖暖的眼睛 Need to see your warming eyes

不知道什么时候才有进步 Don't know when this situation will change

进步从陌生人成朋友 Change from stranger to friend

然后当好朋友 Then become a good friend

然后是最重要的人 Even be the important person that care each other

都是梦华 All are only dreams

你怎么可能认我啊 How will you recognize me?

太好笑  What a joke

当一个陌生人是真的好笑 Being a stranger is really a joke

因为，谁都不是 (not somebody) || The Diary of a Stranger (6)

今天看你不哭了 (For seeing that you're not crying anymore)

我太开心了 (I am extremely happy)

差儿点呼啸叫你 (Till the point of almost screaming)

不哭了，太好了 (Not crying anymore, that's too good)

阳光明媚 (The sun shines brightly)

全世界都让今天很完美 (The whole world seems to make my day extremely perfect)

你在我对面小看着手机 (You are across me looking at your phone)

你咖啡不黑的 (Not with your black coffee anymore)

你眼睛也很凉 (Also, your eyes are so bright)

太完美了！(What a perfect day!)

对，真是太完美 (Yup, this is too perfect)

让我发现陌生人这三个字弄坏我的性情 (Make me realize that the word "stranger" has destroyed my mood)

老天啊！(Oh, GOD!)

为什么我们是陌生人 (Why are we strangers)

太完美的日子坏了 (The day is no longer perfect)

因为，陌生人谁都不是。(Because, strangers are not even somebody)

Moving on

Last month, you came to my mind

I remembered your sweet smile

Last two weeks, your name popped in my timeline

I remembered the laughter we shared

Last week, your number’s saved in my phone, again

I remembered my tears that you wiped

Yesterday, you texted me

Tomorrow, I will miss you

Next week, I am probably loving you, AGAIN

How can I be moving on….?

Don't cry, Stranger || The Diary of a Stranger (5)

here I am sitting in front of the window

I see you

I see you out there crying

I don't know why

Are you sad? Are you crying of happiness?

I don't know why

I want to reach you

I want to ask you what happened

I want to make you smile, again

here I am sitting in front of the window

I see you

without the smile I am longing for

without the bright eyes I love staring at

I wonder if you mind I come near you

I wonder if you would be happier with me around

Stranger..

I hate this

I can't see you crying though we are strangers

 I don't want you crying

Sorry, I am just a stranger

I have to stay here as a stranger