Comfort Zone || The Diary of a Stranger (12)

Terdiam lagi aku, yang kembali ditemani rintik hujan di luar sana
Dengan kopi yang tak lagi sama, semakin pahit.
Layaknya aku yang mengenang waktu yang kembali terlewatkan.
Empat bulan ku lalui dengan kamu yang masih selalu ku pandangi,
Dengan pandangan memuja, namun...... asing

Asing, kau yang tak pernah membalas tatapanku
Asing, kau yang tetap bahagia dengan duniamu
yang mungkin tak akan pernah libatku aku sebagai salah satu pemerannya.

Terhenyak lagi aku, teringat waktu yang ku lalui.
Bukan sebagai orang yang berarti di hidupmu.
Ini menyenangkan, melihat senyummu dari kejauhan.
Ini menenangkan, mendengar samar suara tawamu.

Samar, jauh, dan... asing.
Bolehkah aku hadir di hidupmu, lagi?

Pertanyaan untuk diriku sendiri : siapkah aku?
Tidakkah aku akan menghindar darimu, seperti kala itu?

Akupun ragu, dan tak punya jawaban yang pasti.

Well, I choose to stay here. in my comfort zone. of being a stranger.

Us, Please?

Aku, not a somebody nor someone.
Aku, a small nobody with a grateful heart
Aku, an ordinary creature yet getting an amazing blessing
Aku, not a celebrity nor a princess

Kamu, somebody and someone at the same time
Kamu, a kindhearted someone
Kamu, a blessing for an ordinary creature
Kamu, well-known and famous
Kamu, a treasure for a poor ones

Aku, not a somebody nor someone
Kamu, somebody and someone
May I wish "kamu" and "aku" become kita?
Can they be us, please?

生日快乐！Happy birthday!

今天，二零一七年七月二十五号，是我第二十二的生日

今天也是我第一次我一个人过的生日.

以前，每年虽然没有什么生日庆祝活动，我妈会买一个小蛋糕然后我们一起唱生日歌和许愿 。

这个四年多了，我男朋友给我一个可爱蛋糕，一些小礼物和一个每得一天。

今年，今天，什么都没有。

家人，亲爱的男朋友都很远。

一边想哭，一边我觉得我很棒。

因为我不是小孩了，二十二岁了。那个蛋糕，礼物，不是很重要的事了。

从今年以后我是一个大人了，不可以因为每有礼物然后哭。

我要认真作我的论文，认真工作说一不会被人瞧不起。

哎呀，不管怎么说我还是想哭啊。哈哈。真好笑。

TIARA，生日快乐！不要爱哭了！你很勇敢！要开心，要加油！

my 18th birthday cake!

Today, July 25 2017 is my twenty-second birthday. Today is also my first time celebrating birthday all by myself (only). In the past, although no birthday party, my mom would buy me a small birthday cake then made a wish. For the past 4 years, my boyfriend would also give me a cute birthday cake, small present and a beautiful day together.

This year, today, none of those things are there. No cake, no presents, no family and my dear boyfriend are that faaaaraway. In one side I want to cry, yet in the other hand I think I am really great because I am not a child anymore, -22years already!- Cake and all that stuff are not important, really.

Start from this year, I will be more maturer who is not supposed to cry over a cake and presents. I need to seriously finish my final paper, do my work seriously so that people won’t look down uponn me.......

Oh, after all the encouragement, I still wanna shed my tears. Lol.

TIARA, happy birthday! Don’t be a crybaby because you are braver than yesterday. You have to be happy. Keep spirited!

Enjoy || The Diary of a Stranger (11)

Months went by and here I am sitting in the middle of the corner
In the exact same spot as the first day I saw your smiling eyes.

Months went by and here I am drinking the same cup of coffee
The same drink as the first glance I had that day

Months went by and I couldn't forget the moment you called my name
Months went by to make me realize that's really ONLY an impossible dream

Here I am, staring at your smile
enjoying the feeling of being a super stranger.

Fate decides the time we are not (strangers).

Will they?

now ... currently...
I am confused of what I am doing in my life.

I am living well but my inside thoughts are not.
All that wild thoughts came to my mind over and over.

They would leave me, I think.
They would hate me, I think.
They would blame me, I think
They don't need me, I think.
They don't love me, I think.
They..................

Would they?
Will they?

I am living in fear.
Fear of being left, fear of being hated.
I am living in tears.
I am living in darkness.
I am living with negative thoughts inside me.

Sorry, I couldn't think of anything positive.
Sorry, I couldn't let go of those wild thoughts.
Sorry.

I don't want to be like this any far.
I want to move forward.

Help me.


Sincerely,
the past

对不起 || Sorry.... || The Diary of a Stranger (10)

我的天啊！My goodness!
我听错了吗？你真的叫我吗？Did I hear it wrong? Did you really call my name?
你是真真的叫我名字吗？Did you really call my name ?
你是真真的对我笑吗？Did you really smile at me？
不可能吧....  It can't be true

我太开心了  I am too happy
开心到不能看你眼睛 Till the point I cannot look into your eyes
不行不行 It's not okay
太不可能了 It's too imposible
一定是梦，对，一定是梦 It must be a dream only, yes, it must be a dream

可是你还在我面前 But you are still in front of me
你眼睛笑 With your eyes smiling
不行  It can't be.

对不起哦 Sorry
我不会相信  I couldn't believe
对不起我跑了  Sorry, I ran
我的心还没准备好 I am not well prepared to see you
因为我习惯了只当陌生人 Because I am used to be only a stranger
对不起...

再见 || Good Bye || The Diary of a Stranger (9)

我还在， 我还是陌生人  I am here, still a stranger

你也还在，你也还是陌生人  You are also here, still a stranger, as well

每个人还在， 每个人还不在乎 Everyone's here, and still not care

我想放弃了 I want to give up

我觉得够了 I think it's enough

我不能继续这样  I cannot continue to be like this anymore

太累了， 我真的很累  too tired, I am really tired

一直看你笑得那么开心  Keep on seeing you laugh that happy

而不是我让你开心的 Sadly, it's not me making you happy

我心疼了 My heart is hurt

我不要了，我不要 I don't want, no more

因为我们永远都是陌生人 Because we will remain as stranger, forever

从今天开始，我要忘掉你了 Start from today, I want to forget you

再见。。。Good bye

再见，陌生人。。。。。Good bye, stranger

reflection

when your partner starts to ignore you
when your partner chooses to tell his/her problem to someone else rather than to you
when your partner doesn't pay attention to what you said
when your partner doesn't put you at his/her priorities anymore
when your partner doesn't tell you about his/her day anymore
when your partner starts to.....
when your partner.....
when....
when.... 


think of those situations. You will say that your partner has something wrong. But, are you really sure? You might be say that your partner has an affair or he/she doesn't love you anymore. Once again, are you sure? Can't you think of the other possibilities?

It might be YOU. yes, YOU are the problem. The problem is in yourself.
You have something wrong that made your partner does those kind of action.
It might be you, who made him/her can't feel comfortable anymore.
Maybe you don't realize that you changed.
Maybe she/he hides something that she/he won't you to know.
Maybe she/he has painful memory of past that made him/her suddenly sad.
Maybe she/he has his/her own interpersonal conflict.
Maybe she/he couldn't do everything like you expected from him/her.
Maybe she/he doesn't like some of your actions, pretends to like it, but now can stand it anymore.

There are a lot of possibilities. Think about that. Have some kind of reflection.

Yes, before judge someone is doing bad, observe yourself first.

decision

It's hard to decide. It's hard to start. It's hard to begin, again.
I know I can. I know I should. I know I must do.

decision is hard.
I need to see from every points of view.
Nothing is as simple as I imagined before

Well, life's never flat.
I might not decide now, today.
I probably will in the next 3 hours.
or, probably soon after I write this.

to begin something from the start is really hard.
is there anyone need me to continue the starting point?
I don't like to  begin again.
I hate waiting for my own decision.

I know I can. I know I have to. I know I need to.

Haruskah? || The Diary of a Stranger (8)

Bukannya ku tak ingin
Bukannya ku tak berusaha
Namun, kamu begitu bahagia
Matamu masih memancarkan kebahagiaan
Jika saat ini aku masuk ke kehidupanmu,
Akanku kamu tetap bahagia?
Akankah matamu tetap bercahaya?

Aku hanyalah seorang yang.....asing
Mungkinkah kamu bersedia membuka pintu kehidupanmu?
Orang di sekitarmu cukup bagimu

Aku hanyalah seorang yang.....asing
Tak punya hak jadi seseorang untukmu
Bukanlah siapa-siapa
Mengenalku pun tiadalah sebuah keuntungan

Maaf..aku masih ingin melihatmu tersenyum
walau hanya sebagai....
bukan siapa-siapa.
stranger

太好笑 (What a Joke) || The Diary of a Stranger (7)

过了一个礼拜 It's been a week

状况没有改变 The situation doesn't change at all

改变的是。。。The different thing is.....

我越来越需要你 I need you more and more

需要你的笑 Need your smile and laugh

需要你暖暖的眼睛 Need to see your warming eyes

不知道什么时候才有进步 Don't know when this situation will change

进步从陌生人成朋友 Change from stranger to friend

然后当好朋友 Then become a good friend

然后是最重要的人 Even be the important person that care each other

都是梦华 All are only dreams

你怎么可能认我啊 How will you recognize me?

太好笑  What a joke

当一个陌生人是真的好笑 Being a stranger is really a joke

因为，谁都不是 (not somebody) || The Diary of a Stranger (6)

今天看你不哭了 (For seeing that you're not crying anymore)

我太开心了 (I am extremely happy)

差儿点呼啸叫你 (Till the point of almost screaming)

不哭了，太好了 (Not crying anymore, that's too good)

阳光明媚 (The sun shines brightly)

全世界都让今天很完美 (The whole world seems to make my day extremely perfect)

你在我对面小看着手机 (You are across me looking at your phone)

你咖啡不黑的 (Not with your black coffee anymore)

你眼睛也很凉 (Also, your eyes are so bright)

太完美了！(What a perfect day!)

对，真是太完美 (Yup, this is too perfect)

让我发现陌生人这三个字弄坏我的性情 (Make me realize that the word "stranger" has destroyed my mood)

老天啊！(Oh, GOD!)

为什么我们是陌生人 (Why are we strangers)

太完美的日子坏了 (The day is no longer perfect)

因为，陌生人谁都不是。(Because, strangers are not even somebody)

Moving on

Last month, you came to my mind

I remembered your sweet smile

Last two weeks, your name popped in my timeline

I remembered the laughter we shared

Last week, your number’s saved in my phone, again

I remembered my tears that you wiped

Yesterday, you texted me

Tomorrow, I will miss you

Next week, I am probably loving you, AGAIN

How can I be moving on….?

Don't cry, Stranger || The Diary of a Stranger (5)

here I am sitting in front of the window

I see you

I see you out there crying

I don't know why

Are you sad? Are you crying of happiness?

I don't know why

I want to reach you

I want to ask you what happened

I want to make you smile, again

here I am sitting in front of the window

I see you

without the smile I am longing for

without the bright eyes I love staring at

I wonder if you mind I come near you

I wonder if you would be happier with me around

Stranger..

I hate this

I can't see you crying though we are strangers

 I don't want you crying

Sorry, I am just a stranger

I have to stay here as a stranger

永远的陌生人？ // Will us forever be stranger? || The Diary of a Stranger (4)

你看到我妈？Do you see me?
我在这里，你的对面  I am here, sitting across you
看我一下就可以了 Look at me for a while
好吗? Can you?
可以吗？拜托你。。 Okay? Please.......

昨天晚上我梦了你  Last night, I dreamt of you
你对我笑  You smiled at me
真真的对我笑 You really smiled at me!
因为只有我们两个人 Because there are only the two of us

真可惜，那不是真的  That's not real. What a pity!
你不能跟我的梦一样的马？Can't you be like "you" in my dream?
看我眼睛一下 Look at my eyes, even a glance

镇可惜 What a pity
那个梦不会当真的 That dream won't be real
因为我只是一个陌生人 For I am only a stranger
记得这三个字气死我了 I hate that word so much
我不要当陌生人  I don't want to be only a stranger!

不可以吗？Can't I？
我们永远只是陌生人马？ Will us forever be strangers?
是吗？Will us?

still, we are || The Diary of a Stranger (3)

Here come another sunny day
What a pity that I am still a stranger for you
Not even noticed, once

How come I still here,
staring at your smile?
Can't you feel someone's looking at you?
Can't you feel me out there?

and here I am,
another cup of hot asian dolce latte
reading unfinished stories
waiting for the story of us
which haven't even started

Can I love your existence
even though we are still stranger?
Can I?

and here I am
being sad, again
for the feeling of being stranger
yeah,..
still, we are.

still, we are strangers || The Diary of a Stranger (2)

in the corner of the room

sat all by myself

a cup of hot asian dolce latte

a book of Tere Liye

a colored pen to make notes

songs of Ian Chen

raining outside

.....

with all strangers around.

kind of my perfect day, yeay..

seems weird.

yet, that's how I like to spend my day off.

no need to be afraid of lacking of conversation topic

no need to be awkward of my favorites

how I like to be by myself for a while.

the next day, I need you.

yeah, I need you

I need you again, and again

to see you smile

to hear your voice

are things I like on the next day

but, not today

but, how?

but, we are still strangers

but, still, you don''t know me.

still, we are still.

陌生人 // Stranger || The Diary of a Stranger (1)

我是谁？(Who am I?
你是谁？(Who are you?
没有人知道 (Nobody knows)

我不是你重要的人 (I am not an important ones for you)
我名字都你没听过 (You don't even know my name)

你的笑容 (Your smile)
你的声音 (Your voice)
都在我心中 (Are all in my heart)

没有一天我不想念你 (There are no days without missing you)
没有一晚我不需要你 (There are no nights without needing you?

你知道我谁吗？(Do you know who I am?)
有一个努人等待你 (There is a woman waiting for you)
等你准备贪恋爱 (Waiting you to be ready for fall in love)

陌生人 (Stranger)
一百分对了！(Absolutely correct!)

我对你就是跟一般陌生人一样 (For you, I am just like the other strangers)
不小心碰到的陌生人 (A stranger whom you met accidentally)

可是你不是 (But, you are not)
世界 (the world)
你是我的世界 (You are my world)
一天没看你小我很难过 (A day without seeing you smile sadden me)

怎么样？(How)
反正我是陌生人 (Anyway, I am just a stranger)
永远都是 (I am, probably forever)

First ----

第一次
第一天
为了跟好的未来。
这个世界给了很特别的傍法

我大学还没比约克市可以找到一个工作了。
水染当时牺牲而已，这是也很好的机会。

第一天。。。
座了两个小时干什么都没有
经历说她带回人会给我一些事，说一窝现在要好好的习惯在办公室。。。

真的很安静的办公室俄。
你这听到键盘的声音。
在外面也没有很多人过来过去。

人家说第一天是最可怕的天。可是到现在我觉得没有那么可怕。
有一个同学也是同事说没有真么南的工作，反正我愿意学习，我一定什么工作都做完。

YEAY。。。
现在怎么样呢? jiayou！！！

Bend Like a Lion

I have a classmate named Deny in my very first grade of Junior High School. I saw him on his very first day of school. I saw him everyday. He saw me in a glance when he introduced himself in front of class. Deny would never look at me anymore after that such-and-such a percent second of glance. I told you this, I knew and know him even before his name was going out from his own mouth. Everything's going wrong. I do not know why.

A week of Deny's first semester has passed already. He still did not pay any attention to me, his silent watcher. There was no me in every action of him. Instead of me, Ryshaka and Parjo were his clique. Day by day, they wore or used a similar thing. Monday was their day for musk perfume while purple headbands were their things in Friday. A moment I tried to be his 'vague' clique but got only zero attention. I do not know why.

Once Ryshaka told me that Deny was spiritedly joining a lion dance (lion dance in Chinese: wûshī) training. I nodded without any exciting responses. I knew and know it. Deny dreamed to be a professional lion dancer. Unfortunately, he was not supported by his father so that he went to his trainee by lying. Time by time, finally he was selected to be one of the dancers which would be performing in one important event. He prepared himself really well for his first performance. I tried to help Deny when he needed someone to take his costume. He rejected me but asked for somebody else. I do not know why.

lion dance

As the years went by, Deny trained himself well. In result, he became a significant part of his team's lion dance. Each of his classmates would praise him whenever Deny's name was popped out. Even, Ryshaka and Parjo were not his clique since Deny was the school's rising star. I hoped the readers dare not even imagine me as his adherent. He would never recognize me that much. I do not know why.

In one bad day, something bad happened to Deny. His father, Mr. Asiong, knew that his son secretly became a lion dancer. Deny was never allowed to do that kind of thing since the very first time he asked Mr. Asiong permission. His -you can say- fierce father fiercely ordered Deny to leave his dream as lion dancer. Deny's costumes and all his supporting property was burned in one moment. The only thing that Deny could do was only accepted Mr. Asiong's decision. Deny was in his painful condition. I thought I do know why.

"Deny, you are seriously done." That was Mr. Asiong's last statement which almost made Deny give up. A little bit more, precisely. It was 0,01 cm left to his weakest point. The greatest dream to be a professional lion dancer which he has dreamed since years (year and years) ago. The training of him which he has been through in so many years. Four years, precisely. It was a little bit more to reach his greatest peak. I swear it to you, readers. All of his efforts were bringing him up before that statement. The statement of Mr. Asiong, his father. In the other hand, Deny told me this problem which is caused by Mr. Asiong. Once again, he told me for no exact reason. I do not know why.\

Before Deny told me his confusion, I knew it already. He was confused by the options of his father. Would he choose to be with family? Would he choose to keep on his dream to be a professional lion dancer? His team's lion dance refused to give any comments toward his problem as long as he still wants to be a part of the team. Then, he rejected me once but asked my opinion since he knew me as his silent watcher. I do not know why.

After we got a -maybe- long conversation about him, Deny finally wanted to take a brave decision. When all of his dance's property was burned by his father, Deny planned an almost perfect plan to be runaway. He decided not to be depended on his parents. His team of lion dance accepted him to stay for a while in their base camp until Deny could live by himself. I told you this, Deny finally become the leader of SLBD, one of the famous lion dance in Belinyu. He deserved it after struggling by himself for a pretty long time. Of course, I know why.

Finally, I tell you that the story of Deny is finished. What is my point of telling his story? Let me get you a small introduction. Deny is me. Yes, I am Deny. Every part of Deny which you have read previously is not real. The real Deny is only a dreamer who dreams of himself to be somebody else. So, this is a story from me, a deaf-mute person who wants to tell and retell inspiring stories for you, my readers.

Do My Part

Responsibility.. Tanggungjawab.. seseorang mengatakan pada saya bahwa itu berarti harus cepat tanggap untuk apa yg sudah menjadi bagianmu.

sepertinya mudah-mudah saja.. namun kenyataan berkata lain.. untuk menjadi seseorang yang bertanggungjawab sangatlah berat. Di mana keadaan menuntut saya cepat tanggap dan di sisi lain saya merasa bagian saya bukanlah disitu.

do your part, do my part.. apa sih artinya?
melakukan bagianku ? apa maksudnya...?

terkadang terlalu sulit dimengerti dan diaplikasikan dalam kehidupan..
bertanggungjawab terhadap tugas, pekerjaan, konsekuensi, bahkan bertanggungjawab terhadap pilihan yang pernah kita pilih.

kenapa sih responsibility itu susah?
setiap orang seharusnya bisa dengan cepat tanggap terhadap bagian masing-masing. namun kadar dari rasa tanggung jawab masih terlalu rendah..and it does not depend on someone's age. karena terkadang seseorang yang sudah mature dalam umur namun kurang bisa menjalankan tanggungjawabnya..

ntahlah... Bertanggung jawab... cepat tanggap.. responsibility.. do my own part..
i am still learning how to be.
bisa, semua orang bisa kok bertanggungjawab dengan bagian masing-masing..
yeah, pasti bisa...

saved. but, don't

A name appears, the memories come.
Sweet past and the laughter they shared never disappear.
Tell her the way out!
Number's saved. but don't call.
Strong memories. she couldn't help but feeling blue.
Deep remembrance. Yuck, mission aborted.
Tell her the way out!
She's stuck in memories.
No way out. no bravery. no will.
Stronger and deeper, help her!
everything's saved. but DON'T!